A few days ago, my high school had a historic turnout for our Junior Class President Election. It was clear after Algebra II that I was to emerge victorious over my no-spine opponent Kenny Thompson given my wide fifty-vote margin. Suspiciously though, the late votes that were tallied after lunch period (who was even watching them count then? No one knows…) all went for Kenny, making him the supposed winner of this sham race. Now, we need your help to fight back and save our school’s democracy
My campaign team—Mark Perry and Luke “The Destroyer” Benjamin—was expecting there to be some slimy activity from our opponent. There’s so much fraud in this circus of an election that our school paper isn’t even covering! It’s criminal! What about the fact that students in Ms. Weitman’s homeroom voted twice!? Everyone knows how much Ms. Weitman hates me. And no one’s even talking about how most of the ballots that went to Kenny were from people who graduated five years ago! Then there’s the Facebook footage of Kenny’s LAB PARTNER leaving the ballot counting room with a large collection of paper’s. She says it was just her Shakespeare essay, but we’ll be getting to the truth soon enough.
This is why we need you help to take back this election for the betterment of Shelbyville High. We already called several of our friend’s dad’s lawyers to bring this case in front of the PTSA and we won’t stand down until all the LEGAL votes have been counted. Kenny winning would be bad news for this school, but the establishment (Principal Hoffman) is working extremely hard to keep me out. My movement was about us, the students, taking back power from the elitist fat-cat teachers who all faun over Kenny for his good grades and class participation.
Thank you to my constituents—especially my boys in 5th period gym—for your continued support! We will win this. And if you know of any specific instances of fraud in this election, be sure to send them to my Twitter @guccigang$69 so I can EXPOSE these bad actors.