Wholesome Christian Stories But Told By Meat People

It’s imperative that we instill the values of Jesus into our children at a young age, but have you ever noticed how the only popular God-worshipping TV show out there tells it’s message through boring, disgusting vegetable characters? We animal-flesh-loving Christians are tired of being unrepresented in faith-based media, and that’s why we’re looking to develop our own series titled CarnivoreTales: a savory, new show that features Bible stories and lessons being presented by lovable slabs of meat.

Dive into a wonderful world of sentient pork chops and tenderloins as they take your kids along magical journeys that teach them about the importance of God and flavorful proteins. We’ll be covering all of the classics from The Good Book, such as David and Goliath, Noah’s Ark, and the birth of baby back rib Jesus. Throughout the series, our succulent protagonists will inspire children to follow the path of Christ while also reminding them that meat people can go to Heaven too.

Here are just some of the delightfully tender characters we have cooking up for you all:

Randall the Ribeye: The salivating medium-rare steak who’s concerned about your salvation.

Sam the Salami: the absentminded yet kindhearted goofball who has a heart of gold and a skin that’s well-fermented.

Little Bacon Bit Bobby: the well-intentioned young troublemaker who is always wondering if there’s anything more to this pan-fried life.

(LOCKED: $150,000 GOAL) Butter Bill: If we can raise an extra 50k, we’ll add a butter stick character so that we can also annoy those stupid vegans.

We’re looking to raise just enough money to create the pilot episode that we plan on shopping around to PureFlix and TBN. With the help of your loving support, we can finally stand up to the powerful Christian movie industry by letting them know that kids don’t want to be taught life lessons by a flavorless cucumber. They want to learn about the Bible from food that they actually want to sink their teeth into. So support our efforts today! Because it’s time that we see a juicy lamb shank praying to God for once.

UPDATE: God bless to all who have contributed so far! Unfortunately though, production has been delayed a bit as many people recently pointed out to us that having Moses being played by a ham was insensitive to our Jewish brethren.