Greetings, fellow community members. My name is Pastor Kristoff and I’m the spiritual leader of Our Lady of the Brotherood of Fatima, a brand new progressive congregation that works to help confused heterosexuals find their inner gay through the power of Christ. Every and any lost soul is welcome into our fold, as long as they are willing to give up their boring, straight way of living to be properly reborn as the proud homosexual that God intended them to be.
When the lord directed me to this mission, I was confused but was soon shown the light. For months, I prayed and prayed and asked “Why? Why is this your wish for your creation?” To which he eventually responded saying, “because gay people are just more fun to be around” and right in that moment transformed me into the lovable, stylish gay man that I am today. If God can make me gay, he can make you gay too.
Here at Our Lady of the Brotherood of Fatima, we work with all sorts of heterosexual individuals who want to make the first step towards dramatically improving their life. (We especially love those who are firmly straight, but just a little curious.) Our straight conversion therapy aims to repress those pesky opposite-sex urges by including an emotionally intensive mix of cooking classes, wardrobe makeovers, outings to Musicals, and exposing male members to shirtless pictures of our brother in Christ, Matthew McConaughey. And even after all this, if you still feel like you’re giving into temptations toward the opposite sex, just know that I and all of our church members will never stop praying for you.
Currently, we’re looking to secure funds to renovate the abandoned Chuck-E-Cheese off of I-80 where our new church plans to have its very first sermons and workshops! We’re hoping to open just in time for pride month so any amount you give would be a blessing to our goal. And to those who believe in Chirst who call me and my followers blasphemous, saying “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”: you’re right. It was Adam and Eve, but let’s not forget her gay best friend, Steve.