Today, I received some very terrible news. My 2014 Dodge 4×4—that has been faithfully by my side ever since my 2nd wife left me—has been diagnosed with stage 2 Nutz cancer. Worst of all, because of my recent string of lottery ticket failures (I swear to God I’m going to get lucky again soon), I’ve been left unable to pay for the treatment.
Every truck owner’s worst nightmare is to hear this news from their mechanic after he performs the routine ball fondling during the vehicle inspection. On the brighter side, the guys at Jiffy Lube think they’ve detected the lump early enough that they’ll only need to do a routine surgery to remove the tumor. This news was a relief despite knowing that my truck will unlikely still be fertile after the procedure.
However, the mechanic quoted me at 17k for the overall treatment, and of course, my insurance is being an ass about covering everything. Goddamn Geico has no heart for someone whose loved one is in pain. That’s why I’m turning to whoever can help me make sure my vehicle survives this terrible illness. I love this truck like it’s my only son, and I’m sure my two sons feel the same way. I don’t think I can bring myself to fly my “Let’s Go Brandon” flag on a new Dodge 4×4. Just the thought of having to stick another pissing Calvin decal on a different tailgate is too much for me to bear.
I hope you all have come to love this truck as much as I do after reading all this. Anything you can give is most appreciated. I promise to make sure my truck remains healthy by cleaning up all the loose cigarette butts and Bud Light cans I throw on the floor each week so that nothing like this ever happens again. Thank you and God bless.
And please make sure you’re regularly checking your Truck Nutz for lumps, folks.