Recently, my son, Kevin was abducted by a group of methed-up travelling carnival workers during our latest family vacation to Bozeman, Montana. In order to help his mother and I move past this tragedy as soon as possible, I am asking for your help in acquiring a new son to replace him immediately. No daughters, please.
Don’t get me wrong, Kevin was a truly adequate son and will be missed to an extent. It’s just that Bozeman is kind of out of the way and is really more of a once a year trip for the family, so I just can’t justify going all the way back there for him. Hopefully our new adopted son will be a little bit quicker running away from the ring toss booth so we don’t end up in this mess again.
Now originally, we had planned on using one of those so-called adoption agencies in our search for a new progeny. But I did some Googling and it turns out that would require even more effort than if we had decided to follow the ransom instructions. We also considered going the “eye for an eye” route and just grabbing some other kid off the street but figured that probably wouldn’t yield the quality of offspring we’d prefer.
If possible, we’d like to avoid repeating a few of Kevin’s foibles, such as his bed-wetting, fear of the dark, and proneness to being “Taken”-ed by roving circus people. In terms of a new son we’re not looking for anything top notch here, but we do have a few standards. Prospective sons should be able to maintain a C+ average in school, be able to solve computer problems as they come up, handle 3 to 5 house chores a week, and give very little sass back, mister.
So if you or someone you know feels that they would be a suitable candidate to replace our previous child, please donate yourself or them to our cause. And if any of those carnies who took Kevin are reading this right now, he actually left his inhaler in the car before he was abducted; so just comment with a forwarding address and we’ll mail it along to you as well as an invoice for the cost of shipping.