Terrible, tragic news everyone. Recently my beloved parents, Helen and Jafar, were murdered in cold blood by the jet ski they were piloting while drunk. I have since vowed to avenge their deaths and become a symbol of good and justice in this bleak world, but in order to do that, I’m going to need your help raising some serious start-up cash.
I’m talking about the works here: a secret hideout, tricked out gadgets, an animal themed supersuit (I’m thinking chinchilla), and everything else I need to beat up random petty crooks with impunity. Also, I should probably hire a personal trainer to help me get in tip-top shape for crime fighting. Ever since mom and dad died, I’ve been eating nothing but Annie’s Mac & Cheese and Fruit Roll-Ups.
Additionally, I’m going to need plenty of cash to keep up the facade of a careless playboy lifestyle to throw people off my true vigilante intentions. Not to mention that all this thwarting evildoers is going to be incredibly stressful, so I’m sure I’ll need plenty of expensive vacations and amenities to cope with it. And before you judge, just remember that I’m in pain over here.
One more thing that I wouldn’t say is essential but would be pretty nice to have is an actress/gymnast I’d hire to play a sexy lady anti-hero type character to chase me around the city. Just someone to break up my bouts of punching bad dudes by sharing some witty, innuendo laced banter with. Man, that would be hot.
Every dollar counts. With my tragic backstory and your generous donations, I’m confident I can become a truly stellar crimefighter. Also, if you’re the asshole who sold my parents the jet ski that killed them in the first place, just know, I’m coming for you first.