Hey! It’s Carrie from the podcast, A Flowery Tomorrow. I love my fans and love helping them grow the beautiful, serene garden of their dreams, but I’m in a bit of a bind as of late. My recording equipment got stolen and I’m behind on some bills, so I really need your support in helping me continue to bring sunshine to all my lovely horticulturists! And I really hope that you can donate, because if not, I’m going to have to rebrand the pod as an alt-right gardening show to attract more listeners.
I really don’t want to have to do this to all of my Delightful Daffodils, but I’m in a desperate situation. There’s good money right now in being an outspoken far-right critic, and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that you grow the healthiest root veggies, even if you do have to listen to occasional critical analyses of Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life”.
Besides, I’m pretty sure some White Nationalists would love my helpful tips and tricks about the best practice to growing a delectable radish harvest.
This isn’t a wrong choice per say. It’s just that I have to think about what’s best for my fans and my own lovely garden. It’s been getting more expensive to maintain with the temperature rising each year, but you better believe I’m going to start saying that climate change is a hoax if that’s what’s going to make me the most money. So pledge your contribution so that I’ll only advocate for building a wall around your raised azalea bed!
A mere $8,000 is all that it will take so that I won’t have to become the next alt-right darling. I’m counting on you Lovely Lilacs to keep me as the staunch feminist that I am because that’s the first thing that’s going to go if you all can’t save my podcast. The ball is in your court now. I already have an episode lineup ready if this campaign doesn’t reach its goal, which includes an interview with Alex Jones, as I heard that he has the most exquisite petunia garden.
UPDATES:
July 18th 1:24 PM: Well everyone, unfortunately we did not reach the $8,000 yet, but I wanted to thank those who contributed. I used the $2,838 raised to buy several machine guns to “protect my precious carrots and cucumber from intruders” as I stated in my last Instagram post. We’ll see how this goes…
July 19th 7:40 PM: Woah! My Instagram just blew up after my last post after the NRA and Eric Trump reshared my photo. I’m up to 900 listeners now and feel so blessed! The love I’m getting from these folks is making me want to cry. My heart just swells every time I read a comment like “shoot them libs who want to uproot your gorgeous daisies dead.” To show my thanks, I planted these lovely tulips for my new fans!
July 22nd 6:30 PM: Thank you all who decided to tune in to my latest episode, “Plucking out Weeds in your Rose Bushes and in the Democratic Establishment” recorded in my brand new podcast studio! (Thanks to @Horny4Jefferson for funding its construction). I go in-depth on proper weed removal and how the only times I kneel on the ground are for my flowers, veggies, and the cross, never for the flag. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
August 1st 9:34 PM: Okay, so I just got banned on Twitter, which I now realize is a snowflake website that has no respect for the hardworking home gardeners of this country! I’m not going to say what I wrote that caused this since I know this site is run by free speech hating liberals too. Just be sure to follow me on Parler @FloralFreedomMommy for my uncensored horticulture tips. Oh, and in case Gloria from the Dave’s Garden Forum is reading this: you’re SUPPOSED to cut your herbs after the plant flowers, not before. Facts don’t care about your feelings, Gloria.