Hello, there is no easy way to reveal this, but I need to be brave enough to explain my situation so I can get the help I need. Last week, I totally fucking bungled what was apparently a fist bump with the cool guy, Derrick, at our adult rec league basketball game, and I’ve been living with the trauma ever since.
The backstory: I had just made a game winning buzzer beater against our fierce rivals in a 17-16 victory, but my jubilation quickly turned to horror as I mistook my teammate Derrick’s arm movement for a high five when, in reality, it was for a much slicker fist bump, causing my fleshy palm to ungraciously sink into his knuckle. Once I realized my blunder, I quickly adjusted my hand to a fist, but Derrick had already corrected himself for a high five, causing me to hastily revert to my original plan of a high five, but alas, Derrick already went back to fist bump mode and ARRRRRGGGHHH! Yeah, we sort of just went on like this until we settled on an awkward hug.
Of course Derrick is a fist bump kind of guy. I should’ve fucking known that. Ever since the incident, I haven’t been able to sleep and have been suffering from visceral negative flashbacks of the botched celebration. I bet Derrick has been thinking about this as much as I have and wondering why he’s friends with such a stupid baby klutz like me.
I’m in need of money for advanced counseling that can help me deal with the lasting trauma this event has left with me. And, in the meantime, I’m going to be working hard at improving my hand greeting skills. I have to be smooth and cool if I want to be able to kick it at my adult rec league basketball games at 24 Hour Fitness.