So I’m trying to get this new religion off the ground, but first I have a lot of background material to get established. That’s why I’m looking for twelve backers willing to follow me around the desert for, say, five to seven years max, to write down the cool shit I say and witness the miracles I can perform. Note: this pilgrimage is not pet friendly.
Qualities that I’m looking for in a disciple include loyalty, adaptability, credulity, and the ability to lift up to fifty-five pounds for extended periods of time. Experience following previous messiahs will be given consideration but is not required.
As a group, we will need to figure out our religion’s dogma. What sort of commandments are we going to be laying down? Are these aliens or ghosts that live in your blood? Does this religion have a height requirement? These are the types of things that we need to be asking ourselves to make sure that a half-dozen years of desert vagrancy don’t end up as a complete waste of time.
Now, at a certain point, one of you is going to have to betray me; just gonna rip that band aid off right away. And while you will eventually be forgiven for this, it’s important that I don’t know who it’s supposed to be. So, once all of the disciples have been raised, you guys are gonna have to decide amongst yourselves who sells me out. I really don’t care how you choose as long as it comes as a surprise to me.
Also, experience with Microsoft Excel is preferred. I haven’t figured out how this is helpful yet but it probably won’t hurt us in the long run.
Now that that’s all been set out let’s talk about the benefits. Once we’ve got this religion up and running, all backers (even the betrayer, whoever that ends up being) will receive equal credit for writing our religion’s scripture, a tote bag screen printed with “Messiah’s Best Buddy,” and eternal salvation; or possibly damnation depending on what this sect decides to find sacred.
So, now that you know what we’re going for, I’m sure that everyone is eager to get started. When we reach our goal I will appear to you all in a dream with coordinates to a location that you should be able to search on Google Maps. You will meet me there and our journey will begin. Please wear sturdy hiking shoes.