Greetings, fellows of boldest spirit! The intrepid ice pliah of our southern pole is calling and I, an explorer of truest grit, intend to answer forthwith!
However, after my last expedition attempt resulted in a calamitous, cannibalistic mutiny caused by a shortage of hardtack, the noble benefactors of my charge have ceased to fund my operations. This is why I have come here to seek your generous patronage.
The need to chart this inhospitable, frozen morass can not be overstated. And I shall not deceive the masses, most are likely to perish violently under my leadership. But to the fewer of living breath, the greater the share of glory say I—as well as a larger share of the salt sausage stores.
In addition to my much needed capital, I seek the companionship of ten burly adventurers, varied of skill and sure of stature, to accompany me on this most daring journey. All applicants shall attest to their emboldened bravado, wellness to work a bull-handled revolver and attunement to most outlandish of directives. Experience on previous ventures is not necessary but will be vehemently considered.
Now our task shall not be an easy one. We will likely be faced with freezing winds, blinding snow, emasculating testicle shrinkage, and murderous fleets of bloodlust fueled emperor penguins. To wit, latest reports from Cape Macintosh report Yeti sightings in the hinterlands, and those glacial crackers are sure to cause a hot fuss among our ranks should we encounter their like.
On a somewhat separate note, many have been commenting their confusion as to what exactly ‘salt sausage’ be. Simply put, salt sausage is a vital of my own creation consisting of pork cracklins, sawdust and unrefined halite all crammed inside an adequately-edible burlap casing. It tastes like raw hell, but if you’ve got a better recipe to stay alive on the unforgivable arctic expanse then you’re already hired!
So, who dares to test their muster on this journey of fortuitous consequence? If we meet our goal then the expedition shall begin within the fortnight. Let us meet upon the barren coast of Lassiter and set out with great alacrity and unrelenting conviction. Also, winter coats will not be provided so please bring your own.