The old firehouse has been a blight on this neighborhood for years. The roof is caved in, the basement is infested with cockroaches, and it’s most likely haunted considering all of those squatters died trying to use the fireman’s pole. That’s why I’m asking you to help support the costs to renovate so that we can finally start kicking all of these pesky poors out of the neighborhood and turn the firehouse into something useful, like a pilates studio, a coffee shop bookstore, or a bakery for cats.
A lot of money has already been sunk into just acquiring the property since that jerk-ass non-profit kept trying to outbid me at auction. They were trying to turn it into something lame like a community center or some shit and I was like, “Have you even seen the high ceilings in this place? They’re perfect for really expensive lofts to rent to art students.” Man, some people just have no fucking vision.
If we reach our goal, we should have enough funds to make the place look just like new. It probably won’t be enough to fix all of the plumbing and electrical issues or install radon detectors or get rid of all that lead paint in the bathrooms. But we can always just claim that stuff as “authentic charm” and make bank renting it out to hipsters. Problem solved!
We’ll also probably have to hire some security to handle all of these damn protesters who keep picketing outside. They keep claiming that we’re “exploiting the community,” the ungrateful jerks. In what way is gutting a historic building to make room for an exotic plant bazaar exploitative? That’s just business, baby!
So donate and help make this campaign a success! If we do well enough here I’m thinking about buying up that derelict hospital on the north side of town and turning it into an indoor go-kart track.