So I’ve got a bit of a situation on my hamster hands here. Recently I birthed a brood that was way more multiplus than I had anticipated and if I don’t find adoptive homes for most of them soon I’m afraid I’ll have no choice but to devour my young.
There simply is no other option! We’re short of space in this terrarium already and besides they just look so tasty. Normally I would just send some of them to go stay with their baby daddy until they reach adulthood, but he was sold to a suburban elementary school last week so I’m really down a hamster hole on this one.
Look, I take no enjoyment in consuming the flesh of my newborn babes, but what other choice do I have? You try being a single mother of twenty-two and then we’ll see how long you last before you’re ready to chomp down on some adorable little hamster faces. Not as long as I’ve had to put up with all the squeaking noises they make I bet!
Now all of this isn’t to say I don’t have standards for the kind of adoptive homes I’m looking to find. First off, no classroom pet projects; I don’t want the kids to end up like their jerkass father. Also, no cat-friendly houses. Just because I’m willing to eat my children doesn’t mean I want them to be gobbled up by some overfed feline. Lastly, and most important of all, don’t buy them any of those goofy plastic hamster balls to roll around in. Those things are just stupid.
So now that we’ve got the particulars out of the way, please pledge to adopt some of my offspring before I am forced by circumstance to feast on their wriggling, tender flesh. Hey, if that image disturbs you then all the more reason to adopt. What else are you gonna do, get a dog? You don’t even want to know what those fucking things will eat!