If you’re anything like me, then you love dog whistles. And I’m not talking about the highly polarized political messages aimed at specially marginal groups to incite a predictable reaction, I mean actual ultrasonic wind instruments that immediately make dogs shut right the hell up.
But, as effective as current models may be for house-training disobedient beagles, there is still a wide open market to expand this technology into a array of uses. Uses such as, and I’m just spitballing here, annoying the ever-loving fuck out of Tucker Carlson: the basic cable equivalent of a chihuahua that just took a shit in grandmas urn.
Now before we proceed, I want to clarify that I’m not intending this to be needlessly cruel. I am in full support of the ethical treatment of lesser animals, which includes bologna-faced Fox News pus sacks. I just genuinely feel like we could seriously improve Carlson’s character and ability as a television host if we had a sound emitting device that made him feel like he’s being electrocuted in the urethra.
I’ve already been contacted by dozens of professional musicians, audio engineers, physicists, dog trainers, and sitting members of Congress who have asked to help develop this technology pro bono, so really we only need like 75 bucks for materials and an Uber to PetSmart to make this a reality.
Additionally, nearly every member of Carlson’s own staff have volunteered to personally test the completed prototype live in the studio. Most didn’t even request the device be beta tested. In the words of one bellegared production assistant, “if it annoys his head out of his ass, good. If it drives him so mad that he chews off all his own fingernails, also good.” See! The demand is already here!
So please be generous when giving to this noble experiment. Together, we can achieve our goal of crafting a sound device that will actually justify Tucker Carlson’s face always looking like a confused soup can.