Life’s struggles come with a lot of aches and built-up tension. And when you reach your breaking point, you need a trusted spa and massage that will protect you from all potential harm. That’s why my sisters and I are proud to be opening up the first Texas-styled massage parlor—right here in Seattle, Washington—where all our masseuses will be packing heat to ensure that you feel safe and relaxed.
Wash away the stress that the liberal media places on you. Our certified professionals in both gun handling and body/soul healing will use their soothing, trigger-pulling hands to ease your muscles back into comfort. Just lie back and let the pleasant aroma of gun cleaning oil spread onto your skin drift you off to a more peaceful environment.
But it’s not just the employees who get to have all the fun. We’re looking to be the first massage parlor that doesn’t infringe on your rights as well. That’s why all our patrons are allowed to come in with their own firearm at their side. (Just note that for our massages, you’ll need to strip off all of your clothes, including your gun and holster. Your gun will be kept in a locked closet by your side to keep you and the rest of our customers safe.)
Be sure to also come in for our signature gun-to-body massage. Pamper yourself with the smooth, cold metal of a loaded gun working it’s way across your body, freeing up knots and keeping you in a place of serenity. Here are some treatments that we plan to offer:
– Fully Automatic Vibration Massage: improve your circulation with the invigorating sensation of a vibrating buttstock as our masseuse indiscriminately shoots an assault rifle into the air.
– .50 Caliber Deep Tissue: Our masseuses will rub the muzzle of our most powerful handgun deep into your muscles to help alleviate any chronic pain.
– Prenatal AK-47 Massage: You and your little one will feel like you’re in AK-forty-heaven!
We already have a lovely location picked out and now we’re looking to raise enough money to cover various start-up costs, such as construction, insurance (lots of it!), and firearm training since all the masseuses we interviewed have never touched a gun in their life. Help us make our dream come true so that we can finally provide a secure and guarded place for anyone to get a massage without fear! For as we know, potential shooters will always head to the gun-free massage parlors.