Hey look, I’m only fourteen, okay? Lots of kids my age are out collecting candy tonight, except for my friends who think trick-or-treating is for baby losers, but they all suck anyway. Besides, look at all this work I did to put together a fun costume. I’m a magician, I think.
Come on, just give me a few pieces of candy. Puberty has barely even affected me. I don’t even have a job; I’m practically a toddler. Plus, I’m collecting candy for my little sister who broke her leg recently. Actually, this is mostly for her—yeah, yeah. Even if it wasn’t, there are no laws saying that I can’t trick-or-treat, so you have to give me stuff either way.
Also, I don’t want any Twizzlers, Smarties, Almond Joys or grape Jolly Ranchers. I’m just here for the Reese’s and Twix. If you could just pick those out for me, that would be awesome.