We’ll just get straight to the point: we know you’re holding out on us with that $2.75 you definitely have to spare, you little shit. Yeah, that’s right. You’re not fooling anyone here at Wikipedia at all, jackass. We’re well aware that you live in a wealthy country with internet access and a smartphone, so don’t even THINK that you can just casually scroll on by again without us noticing your bountiful surplus of coffee money at your disposal.
Here’s the thing, bub, 98% of our readers don’t give, they simply look the other way. That’s a lot of people, much like yourself, who freeload off our articles so that they can expand their knowledge and understanding of the world or dick around at work. Don’t you think that service is worth at least a one-time donation of $40 less than the amount you spend on fucking alcohol each week?
People told us that we’d regret making Wikipedia a non-profit, and honestly, you’ve managed to convince us that they were right. Good job. But still, our hope is that you’ll think about how valuable it is for you to have continued access to our resources—such as the plots of movies you don’t want to see, or the juicy criminal histories of beloved celebrities—and not charge you anything, ANYTHING at all.
If everyone reading this donated just $2.75, Wikipedia could stop fucking begging your stingy ass for years to come. Help us help you. Or we can just start placing ads on our articles for weight loss pills and “one weird tricks” if that’s what you really want.
So if Wikipedia provides you with a coffee’s worth of content, which as a reminder is the complete collection of all human knowledge compiled into one convenient location, be sure to donate to help keep the site running. If not, that’s fine too, I guess…
We’ll check back in again in three weeks with another one of these donation posts in case you’ve decided to become a better person, you prick.