Do you often find yourself chugging a cheap wine right after sitting on the floor crying for 45 minutes in a hot shower, but couldn’t find the bandwidth to do both because you’re afraid of missing a work email from Susan in accounting? Well, worry no more! In this hustle and bustle modern era, time is precious, and my newly-patented wine shower head is here to help you multitask through your misery.
With this groundbreaking invention, you can now simultaneously snivel and get yourself shitfaced from the comfort of your 15 square foot bathroom. Take whatever control of the little you have left in your life by squeezing in your drunk-crying breakdowns into your already busy schedule. Start your day with a cathartic wailing before going to a 2-hour Zoom meeting with your jerk of a manager, or end it with a midnight wine drizzle session to cry out the intrusive bedtime thought of how you’ve pushed away everyone close to you, only with a turn of a knob.
No matter the type of self-loathing you’re in the mood for, this bad boy has all the options. Relive the early dating days of your crumbling marriage with the French Rosé setting, temporarily escape your crushing student loan debt with the Extra Hard Chardonnay mode, or take the trip down your childhood memory lane of your dad projecting his failed sports dreams onto you during dinner conversations with the Trader Joe’s Table Wine mode.
Now, you might be thinking, “this is too good to be true,” or “why couldn’t this have come into my life sooner?” — Well, let me tell you, this product is a result of continuous research and years of blood, sweat, and (mostly) tears from me actually weeping like a little baby in the shower. Not to toot my own horn but, if that’s not utter professionalism, I don’t know what is. On an unrelated note, I also need money for a liver transplant.
Be a backer today, and get early access to my other upcoming product: a smart bathtub with a waterproof projector! This bad boy connects to your Facebook account and creates a photo slideshow so you can simulate the experience of your life flashing before your eyes as you’re drowning.