KaNoodle, your favorite brand-new cuddle-based dating app for your smartphone, is in trouble.
We were so excited to have the initial development of our app funded by our wonderful backers on JumpKick. It’s been a wild journey and we’re nearing the finish line, but we’re going to need a little extra push to cross it. KaNoodle is almost out of the beta testing phase! Unfortunately, we beta testers have discovered a nasty bug that will require further financial backing to fix.
Instead of the app matching users with their optimal cuddle-buddy companion as designed, testers report that KaNoodle provides shockingly specific countdowns toward (and causes of) their imminent deaths. To make it abundantly clear: this is NOT the intended function of the app. KaNoodle is solely meant to give you cuddles. It is NOT supposed to tell you how and when you are going to die.
This is (perhaps obviously) bad from a PR perspective. Not to mention expensive given all the beta testers we have to keep hiring after they die from accurately predicted circumstances our app is in no way designed to predict.
Certainly you’ve seen the news reports: app testers losing their lives in absurdly convoluted, Rube Goldberg-esque “accidents”. Falling into open sewer hatches, being flattened by a domino chain of toppling bookcases. One tester had an honest-to-god piano fall on top of them! A grand piano hung by a string! All these “accidents”, predicted with perfect accuracy by our cuddle app.
With your support, we hope to have this bug removed upon further investigation and development. Hopefully we can still hit our release window of late August. Until we have this figured out, some developers are relocating to a secret underground bunker. The app predicted that they have days to live.