Hey, so my best friend and I are kind of fucked here. Tragically, we promised each other during a post-break up comfort session in our twenties that if we’re thirty-five and still single that we’d just get married. It pains me to say that yesterday was his 35th birthday, which means that we’re stuck paying for this damn wedding unless you can help us out.

Marriage is supposed to be a union between two people for eternity. ‘Til death do us part, right? Welp, we were both hoping that’d be with someone else. He knows way too much about all of my ex’s penises, and I’ve yelled at him for being a total fuck boy to all of the women he’s been with too many times for this to ever work. But our attractiveness and fertility are both fading so we’re running out of options. We even watched “When Harry Met Sally” last night, but it still didn’t spark any desire to dip into our savings accounts to fund this desperate sham of a marriage.

I guess that this is our official announcement of our “engagement”, but we’d prefer if you thought of it as a cry for help. People are going to say, “Aww, how cute! It’s a love story of two best friends,” but they’re way off. Sure, we could just get an annulment at a courthouse, but our Catholic families would kill us. Not to mention, we have to buy a stupid fucking ring too, for appearances. If you donate, we’ll tell you what shady bar we’re celebrating at and you could come and drink with us, I guess.

We’d be really thankful if you could help us out paying for this forced promise wedding. We’ve paid for each other’s mozzarella sticks for the past ten years at hundreds of friendship diner dates and we honestly feel like that’s enough money spent on each other’s happiness.