The Clarkson family is devastated to announce that our beloved Uncle Jerry passed away early this week of heart complications. You probably have no idea who this man was, but we promise you that he was such a good guy. Seriously, if you ever got to know him you wouldn’t even hesitate to donate his funeral fund. No question about it.
If you don’t remember Uncle Jerry’s warm smile, that’s probably because you never met him. But if you did meet him, you’d know him for his warm smile, especially when he drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels on Christmas. You’d also know how much he loved to scarf down the entire dessert table at family functions. You’d know how he generously bummed all of his nieces and nephews their first cigarettes at the ripe age of 12. You’d know how he loved to bring joy into his siblings’ homes for weeks at a time, even when he and his on-again-off-again girlfriend had a fight (P.S. fuck you for putting him on us, Suzanne).
We want to assure you that Uncle Jerry really was the best uncle there was, in all of the universe, we promise. His own kids would tell you how loving and caring he was if he had any. But we can tell you for certain that you’d never meet another uncle like Jerry. So please help us bury him in the ground forever.
We would especially like to eat at a fancy Italian restaurant after the funeral because it’s the whole family getting together for the first time in a while and if you don’t believe us about Jerry being a good guy, believe us that Mardino’s Trattoria has the best chicken parm in town.