The Cranx Utility Shovel is carefully engineered to give you a rugged, durable, handy, condescending tool that can replace virtually your entire shed. Using a custom compartment design and our unique Paternal Instructional Audio technology, virtually every outdoor survival, landscaping, carpentry, plumbing, drinking, and half-hearted encouragement need can be satisfied using our innovative and stimulating new tool.
A titanium coated steel marvel of scientific design, the lightweight Cranx Utility Shovel sports all of the features that a seasoned outdoorsman would need while giving just enough instruction from a rugged father figure to operate the tool correctly. With motivational phrases such as, “Get off your ass and listen for once,” and “It’s beer o’clock after this,” you’ll be ready to tackle anything that comes your way.
The manufacturing part of this project is complete. We just need a few thousand dollars to continue paying our hardworking voice actors who are putting in the much needed hours of practice and re-recording to accurately portray the impatience and disappointment of a father supervising a difficult landscaping or building job. Also, we want to add three or four more types of pliers.
The Cranx Utility shovel has impressive features such as a:
– Hammer
– Axe
– Shop Vac
– Bevel
– 2-hour speech on what bevels are used for
– Rake
It’s been a long time since you heard the warm, condescending tones of a male parent uncomfortably balancing impatience and fatherly support. Instead of toiling over beautifying your yard by yourself, you can take comfort in the fact that a middle-aged man will be there to support you the best he can for every step of the way, even if you’re being a “stupid idiot”. And in case you’re sick of hearing the boring sounds of nature, you can always turn on the shovel’s music setting to play the weird sort of whistling that a father would do.
So if you think that your next project needs the boost of a familiar authority figure, be sure to pledge your support for a device that will push you to “smarten up.” Because we all know that no matter what tool you’re using, the key to any job is the brain, to use the right tool for the right job, and a little elbow grease, which is why we programmed the Cranx Utility Shovel to tell you that every 10 minutes.