My name is Doctor A.R. Phillips, a practicing clinical psychologist of 37 years. In November 2017, I was honored by the American Psychological Association for my research in psychotherapy, specifically my groundbreaking discovery of permanent treatment for anxiety and depression. Because of the implications of this cure, I have decided to make my findings available to the general public in the form of a book. Though I must warn you: you actually have to sit down and read the entire thing.
I am not exaggerating when I say that by reading this 164-page book, a person can completely cure all of their symptoms of depression and anxiety. I have literally written the most concise possible version of step-by-step instructions to correct the imbalance in your psychological state. All that you have to do is spend the length of four Tiger King episodes looking at words printed on paper.
In truth, this is my fourth attempt to get backers for this book because it’s not a TikTok or a funny gif. And I understand that you find an old-fashioned words-in-lines publication abhorrent, but this book is literally approved by scientists to make you happier. It can (and has) saved lives! But fine, it’s not a damn podcast. Is that such a deal-breaker for mental health?
An aversion to scientific jargon is understandable, so as I do in my book, I will attempt to make my case in words that modern society might understand. My study had 700K of what you might call “subscribers,” and 100% of the “viewers” gave the study a “like.” As a scientist, I try my utmost to not form cynical opinions about society. However, I am dismayed that people will devote five hours a day to watching Vine compilations to combat their depression, but will not look at a short, large-font novel. With pictures included, I might add.
Though I know that it is futile beyond all belief, I would like to conclude by calling attention to the work of my dear colleague, Dr. Ji-Woo Yi, who recently published a 17-page paper detailing the exact ingredients and process for making a guaranteed, DIY, at-home COVID-19 antidote. I’m sure you’re too busy for that, though, so you might as well just binge watch The Office or something.