Sometimes it takes us a while to realize that a tweet or blog post might have been better left unsaid. Say you’re fighting with your boss so you make some impulsive Instagram video and post it before getting in the car to drive home. By the time you pull into your driveway, it’s already gone viral and transformed into a Tik Tok trend.
That’s why our team is developing a revolutionary new app that instantly shuts down all internet service once it detects that you’re about to unload some extremely toxic shit onto the world. Features include a medication tracker that will lock your phone until your back to a positive state of mind. Ran out of Xanax? No problem! We won’t let you post to Facebook at all that day!
Perhaps you are someone who resents their sibling’s success to an alarming degree. Who doesn’t? Our app will block you from all comment threads so that when they’re bragging about that next wedding or addition to the house, you can’t say anything that will make your mom cry. Rebounding from a harsh relationship and drinking too much lately? Not to worry! We’ll make sure your phone goes into hibernation mode the minute you start cyber stalking.
With a personalized list reminiscent of Myspace’s Top 8, you can add the people you have a hard time communicating with. Instead of lashing out or saying something snarky, we’ll hold your post a solid 48 hours so that you can calm down and revisit. Think of the connections that you’ll save by not calling someone from your high school a “fat donkey fucker”.
Our app is already in beta testing with my whore little sister, and if we can just raise a few thousand dollars from our JumpKick backers, it’ll be available to download in the coming weeks! Don’t sleep on this opportunity to tighten up your social network’s security and make scrolling a safer hobby for us all. After all, isn’t it best to go back to hating people behind their backs like a grown-up?