There are times when trying to stick to a healthy diet can feel like you’re being made to suffer for the sins of all humanity. We’ve all heard about miracle all-in-one juicers, but what about a juicer that’s a true miracle? Every juicer on the market claims it makes getting your favorite delicious, nutrient-rich drinks easier than ever, but what if you could make your own antioxidant-rich, fruit-based beverage without needing to buy any fruit? After much research through our weekly Bible studies, our church is proud to offer God’s faithful servants The Jesus Juicer: humanity’s first faith-based water to wine juicer.
It couldn’t be simpler: pour in water—tap, bottled, or sparkling—and wait until the wine comes out the other side! Research shows that as our food has become more and more processed, we’ve lost out on vital nutrients (like wine from our savior), but the Jesus Juicer will make it easier than ever for you to hit every food group. Within a week, your mood will improve and your skin will be clearer; and within a month, you’ll be sweating out all of your body’s demons and toxins. This is also good news for your kids because now you can cut those sugary sodas right out of their diet!
Now we’ve received some complaints about the campaign—things as baseless as “There’s no way it could possibly work” or “The alcohol fermentation process alone should take days”. So we would like to take this opportunity to address them: they’re wrong. If it doesn’t work for them, it’s because they didn’t have enough faith, and I know that won’t be a problem for any of the true Christians out there! Of course, faith is free, but research and development aren’t, so we have to ask that the firmest believers show their loyalty to our church by donating as much money as possible to this campaign. Your health depends on it!
We’re working hard to bring The Jesus Juicer to your home as soon as we can, but like every other campaign on this site, we rely on your faith in us and your wallet’s faith in us. Your contributions will help us bring the Jesus Juicer’s message to new stores and markets around the world, so please, contribute all that you can to our amazing product. Also keep an eye out for our all-in-one Jesus Food Processor that doubles whatever you put in it, coming to stores near you soon.