Has this ever happened to you? You’re enjoying the season 6 episode of “Family Matters” in which Steve uses his Urkelbot to help Carl solve a rash of local burglaries. Steve is about to drop a killer one-liner, but all you hear is “did I do [CRUNCH]?” because you tried to eat a potato chip and it was louder than a dump truck curb stomping Optimus Prime inside your mouth?
I’ve spent many sleepless nights agonizing over loud potato chips destroying my TV viewing experiences and thought, “there’s got to be a better way.” And there is:
Soft. Potato. Chips.
So, I decided to quit my job, abandon my family, fake my death, and dedicate my every waking hour to inventing a velvety soft, sensuous potato chip. And now you can help! With a small or (preferably) very large donation, you can assist me in achieving the American dream of seamlessly stuffing my face with salty-fried-crunchies without having to pause my programs or turn up the volume to levels that may disturb my napping mom.
A few important things to note:
– I am not talking about french fries: this will be a soft, fried, salted potato-based snack. I realize that sounds like the textbook definition of french fries, but news flash, Merriam Webster. What I’m doing is actually different because just trust me, dude.
– I am not interested in making soft hard pretzels: If you’re looking for soft hard pretzels that don’t crunch when you bite them, get the fuck out of here right now.
– This may or may not become some sort of savory cereal: I have been toying with the idea of pouring milk, water, or bone broth over the chips and eating them with a spoon.
– Funds raised may be used for non-soft potato chip-related expenses: Obviously I need to dedicate 100% of my time to solving what is potentially the greatest snack-based conundrum of our time. As such, I will not be working and will likely need to use some of the money to pay my bills: including (but not limited to) Internet, scratch-offs, and jet ski fuel.
I hope that I can count on your financial support, or at the very least, no one telling my family that I am still alive.