My son is useless. There, I said it. The boy can’t hold down a decent job or find a girlfriend, and only seems interested in ruining my legacy. It’s clear that my son will remain a loser for the rest of his life, so it’s time for me to cut my losses and move on to something better. Every dollar you donate will go to helping me replace my disgusting, worthless son with a cool alligator.
I have chosen to purchase an alligator because they are objectively superior to my son in every way. Below you’ll find a list of reasons why.
– Adult alligators have a bite strength of over 2,000 pounds per square inch, which is enough to bite through solid steel. My son has a gluten allergy.
– Alligators are apex predators that will kill and eat almost anything, including other predators. The only thing that my son has killed is my spirit.
– My son’s favorite band is Weezer. While I’m not sure what kind of music an alligator would listen to, I know for a fact it would not be Weezer.
– Alligators use a variety of complex vocalizations to attract mates during breeding season. My son wears a fedora in his profile picture on Tinder.
– My son has three children with three different women that he met at the three different Phish concerts. Alligators mate for life. They are loyal creatures, unlike my son.
– Alligators can have between 75 and 80 teeth. My son has a liberal arts degree.
As you can see, my son is clearly outclassed by the alligator in just about every category. While he is mostly a lost cause at this point, I do plan on giving my son the opportunity to redeem himself by allowing him to fight the alligator. If he wins, then maybe my son is worth something after all. If the alligator wins, I won’t need to feed it for the next few days because of their excellent metabolism. I personally am rooting for the latter.
UPDATES:
The duel between my son and the alligator, who I must reiterate is much cooler and deadlier than my son, ended in a surprising upset for my son. I simply couldn’t believe my eyes as I watched the son that I thought was a disgrace to the family name choke out a fully grown adult alligator. It was especially surprising too considering that I gave the alligator the advantage by not telling my son about the fight until right before I locked him in the garage with the beast.
I didn’t think my son had a chance, but it looks as though the boy has finally redeemed himself.
But even after redeeming himself, my son still leaves nothing but disappointment in his wake. Thanks to your generous donations, I was able to buy not only the alligator, but a fully functioning alligator habitat; complete with a pond to swim in, chickens to eat and all sorts of other alligator activities. When I offered the habitat to my son, he started making all these wild claims about how “he shouldn’t have to subsist on live chickens” and that I “didn’t love him.” Ridiculous. Of course I like my son.
I’ll be blunt and say that I was actually looking forward to a beautiful life with my new alligator. I was going to teach it how to whittle a bench out of a spruce, and it was going to teach me how to pick off old people who wander too far away from their Everglades tour group. It was the closest I was to true happiness in years.
Anyway, I would like to apologise for all this turn out. Stay tuned though, because I do plan on investigating how well my son can hold up against a couple of bears.