Hey guys, I know that this is kind of short notice and may not technically seem like an emergency, but I’m on a Tinder date and it’s not exactly going as planned.
On his profile he said that he was “active in politics.” Well it turns out he just vapes a lot while listening to Joe Rogan. I’m not even sure what he’s talking about. He goes from lectures on aliens and us all becoming one, to sports and passive racism in like, the same gulp of Pabst. I swear I’m going to get whiplash.
I mean come on, I canvased for Bernie too, but at least I know some of his policies. I’m pretty sure that this guy just thought Rand Paul got rebooted and was relieved it didn’t turn out to be The Ghostbusters kind, i.e. all female. He literally used the term “man-cave” to explain the basement apartment his mom rents him for free and then bragged that there’s a “separate entrance from the backyard” with an overemphasized wink before I even sat down.
I already knew that he was a virgin from that awkward display and now he brings up Joe Rogan as a selling point? What’s next, his Matchbox car collection? The Pokémon rolodex that he used to hide boners in 7th grade? A meticulously lint-rolled fedora collection? A copy of Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life”? I’m good.
Anyway, he took me to the friggen Applebee’s off Route 21a, because of course, and I needed to ditch like 20 minutes ago. I’m typing this crouched from the bathroom while a baby gets its diaper changed, relieved by the smell of infant diarrhea over the overwhelming amount of Axe body spray he doused himself in. Please send me an “emergency” text to get me out of this. You can literally say anything. I don’t even care if he sees this later. I also don’t have enough money because we’re out in this middle of nowhere Applebees, so money for the Uber would really help me out too.
Oh my god, he’s banging on the door now. Anyone, PLEASE, hurry!