No seriously, I need to spice some things up with my professional profile. I’m trying to find an entry-level job doing data entry, but nobody’s hiring me. Now, remember that show where the rapper Xzibit would take people’s old, beat-up cars and make them look cool? I want that but for my LinkedIn. And I’ve got a multi-step plan to make that happen.
Step 1: Make My Profile Look Cool!
I need a profile that’s gonna POP! Something that’ll make recruiters go “DAYUM” and check it out, either because they’re impressed or morbidly curious.
The key to doing so is a solid profile picture. I have to hire a high-end photographer that can make me look professional but approachable. Sleek but quirky. Colorful but also I’m in black-and-white for dramatic effect. I want to appear like one of those CEOs that just wears turtlenecks and does TED Talks while they look very introspective. That’ll be my ticket into a livable wage.
Step 2: Make up Profiles that Make My Profile Look Cool!
It’s getting really annoying asking people to recommend my skills on LinkedIn. So what am I going to do? Well, with your money, I’m going to create a bunch of Premium Profiles (so people know they’re legit) who can be my hype men while I look for a job.
Wow, Sarah Savannah vouched for my skills in Adobe Premiere! Crazy!
Luis Gutierez sent me seventeen fire emojis on my page update! What a homie!
No way! Thomas Anderson tagged me in a post where he mentioned 40 people under 40 to look out for! I’m moving up in the world!
LinkedIn is a lot like other social media apps where you gotta have some followers and some clout to get anywhere, and I’m gonna fake it until I make it.
Step 3: More Certifications!
Certifications are pretty tight. Did you know you can go get CPR certified in like a day? So let’s add them to the total! But I’m not gonna go out and actually get them, God no. I’m too busy sifting through Indeed and Glassdoor. I’m just gonna pay people in my network to get the certifications in my name. By the time I’m done, I’ll be OSHA certified, ALS certified, have my real estate license, and I’ll know how to code (officially).
I’m gonna turn my LinkedIn account into a Linked-Win account.
Conclusion
With your donations, we’ll make a profile for myself that’ll put the “AYY” in “resume”. It’ll be a profile that Xzibit himself would be proud of. So become a backer today and I promise I’ll put in a good word at my new company when you need a job!