Okay, so you know those Brazilian Steakhouses like Fogo de Chão where you have a card and if it’s green all those guys in funny pants will bring you sticks of meat and when you are done you turn the card over to red? Well, how about we just remove the card?
As soon as you sit down at our upcoming steakhouse, you will be swarmed with handsome Brazilian men who will fill your plate with steak, pork, lamb, and chicken without bothering to ask if you want any. Dietary restriction or allergy, they don’t give a fuck!
You’ll think it’s all fun and games when you sit down and sign the waiver releasing us of any claims of bodily harm. Like we are some type of gimmick restaurant like those cowards at T.G.I. Friday’s. Once you’ve had your full and laughingly wave away at our servers saying that you couldn’t possibly eat another bite, that’s when the real fun begins.
We will staff Gauchos with no sense of responsibility or moral obligation to treat you like a human, just the obscenely gluttonous bastard you are. Sure, you’ll try to stop them, but our servers know that you don’t really want to stop eating our delicious, finely-cut meats. You will be held down while slices of grass-fed Top Sirloin that were slow smoked for hours over a cherry wood are stuffed into your mouth and shoved down your esophagus.
Your wife will scream and your children will cry, but that will only make us try harder. Your family will be force-fed succulent Bacon-Wrapped Pork Sausage made from a secret blend of herbs and spices. Your tears will be the only steak sauce we will allow you as you attempt to stomach tender, premium grade Wagyu strip steak aged sixty-five days while a gun is pointed at your temple.
You will be tossed onto the street like a used Elizabethan prostitute and left to wonder why God would allow an evil such as us to exist. So please help make this dream a reality and back our fundraiser!
Donations over $100 will be given the safeword that will make the waiters stop serving you.