They say to never give up on your dreams no matter how difficult they seem, no matter how much you’ve failed already, no matter what evidence points to you lacking the talent to even achieve a fraction of it.
This is why I’ve decided to shirk most of the responsibilities of adult life to continue recording music in my bedroom in the hopes of becoming a Grammy Award-winning internationally touring music act.
But here’s the thing: my guitar tone sucks ass. And I can only surmise that this is the only cause for my delayed, pending success. My particular brand of post-hardcore/disco/big band jazz relies on an aggressive-yet-transparent distortion. My 1979 ProCo Rat just isn’t cutting it. I had to dip into my savings to get that one too.
So now I come to you, future fans. I know that you want me to succeed, but I just don’t see how I can without the Sapphire Engineering Break-Yo-Mama’s-Back HiFi Distortion and Overdrive With Boost pedal. I’ve watched about 40 hours of YouTube demos of this pedal, and I know in my heart it’s the one. I’ve already raised $10 from gigs. Sure, the gig was mowing my elderly neighbor’s lawn, but a gig is a gig is a gig!
I know that technically I haven’t ever released any music yet, but my hard drive is full of voice memos and half-finished demos. And trust me when I say: they slap. They slap so hard. So once I get this distortion pedal, I only need to buy a microphone, audio interface, audio production PC, amplifier, voice lessons, album artwork, and marketing to release my magnum opus onto the world.
Expect it in May 2029!