Dennis, my neighbor, started a GoFundMe to raise $2,000 for his beagle, Sammy, to have life-saving bladder surgery. Now, I think that Sammy is a fine pet, and I have nothing against him or his owner, but in the interest of the public, I thought it necessary to our democracy that I give the people a choice. Voting with your wallet is a term often thrown around, and I think that it should apply to crowdfunding too. If you, for any reason, want Sammy to die, consider giving to this campaign.
First and foremost, I have no bias. While some of you may assume that I hate this dog more than anything, I just want to give the good people of this neighborhood another option, which is something that I think every online fundraiser should have. In my opinion, this dog has lived a full, good life, and expensive, invasive surgery is not a good use of anyone’s expendable income.
Dennis has no affiliation with this campaign and in fact now calls the police to my house nightly. He simply just doesn’t believe in my right to free expression. Fortunately, I know that most of my fellow countrymen are understanding of my cause. Much like the founding fathers that so bravely created our nation, we all cherish the value of letting our voices be heard.
The actual logistics of the fundraising goal are quite simple. If this fundraiser gets more monetary donations than Dennis’, I will take it into my own hands to carry out the people’s wishes in what I have deemed the most humane way possible: the Barret .50 cal sniper rifle. One perfectly-scoped bolt fired from my bedroom window will swiftly end the dog that America deemed not worth saving.
Donate not only with your credit cards, but with your hearts. I truly believe that if we all come together as a community, we can have this dog sent up to doggy heaven (or the equally probable doggy hell).