Okay, I’ll get straight to the point. My mouth and I have gotten along great throughout the years. It’s been a reliable judge on what tastes good, it says the words I want it to say, and it’s home to a lot of my teeth. But now it has really put me in a bind. Two weekends ago, I had a bookie swing by to collect on some ill-advised bets I made during March Madness.
I guess my mouth had said that I was good to put down $50,000 dollars on the spread I made after 20 minutes of research and must have forgotten to tell me about it. Since I am currently short on funds, I asked if I could write a personal check and use my ass as collateral. Now I’m not saying my ass is perfect, but it’s definitely above average and should get a fair price on the open market.
The bookie said he could agree, if I had my ass appraised by a buddy of his. Well, I just got back from his friend’s apartment, and it turns out my ass is not worth nearly enough as I thought! Even though I tried to explain that my ass was lightly used and has only minor bumps and bruises, the guy said I could only get 10 grand for it! And on top of that, I owe him 500 bucks for the appraisal!
So now I’m really screwed unless I make up the difference in the next two weeks, otherwise the bookie said he’s going to repossess my mouth AND my ass. I normally don’t beg from strangers but this is a really desperate situation. Anything you can give will be enormously appreciated. It would make my ass so happy. God bless.