Hi, hello, I am an old woman who lives in a shoe, and I have a large number of children that I look after. Some of them are mine, but others are orphans that I took in after their parents were eaten by ogres, or stepped on by giants, or made into pies, or eaten by cross-dressing wolves, or whatever other horrible fate awaits the people of Fairytale Kingdom. Lots of getting eaten though.
While this shoe has provided us with a quaint home to live in, it’s also a giant, smelly shoe. Did you know that you could get athletes’ foot on your face? Well you can and I did and it’s horrible. Worse yet is that it’s some sort of cursed fungus, and the witch doctor will only cure it if I let her cook and eat one of my kids, which I of course cannot do. That’s why I’m hoping the fair citizens of this land can help me raise enough money so that our struggling family can live a more decent life.
I’d prefer to move my children into something like a comfortable cottage, but all of the cottages are either made out of candy, which doesn’t hold up when the rains come, or are rented out as air BnBs by that asshole Jack. He says I should just work harder to get a better house. Well guess what, Jack? Not everyone has access to magic beans or gets lucky with a goose that lays golden eggs! Maybe you shouldn’t have caused that giant to fall on my husband, Jack!
I don’t want to live in any gingerbread homes, articles of clothing, or homes with chicken legs for support. I just want a normal home made out of non-enchanted wood from some non-special trees. God forbid we cut down the wrong tree to make our home and it turns out a nymph lived inside there and now it eats my childrens’ dreams as they sleep. Because that’s the kind of shit that happens around here.
So please, anything you can give would be enormously appreciated!