Technology has come a long way in a short amount of time, helping make our lives not just easier but better. The promise of automation and interconnectivity have turned our modern existence into something approaching science fiction. We can now receive obscure media instantaneously and fresh vegetables the same day without leaving our climate-controlled homes. This is why I’m so pissed off that I just spent three hundred bucks on a 1992 Geo Metro and the damn thing got wedged between the glass in the Carvana vending machine.
I was told in no uncertain terms that this new method of buying a car made the process easier than ever before, but the technology Carvana is using is apparently the same tech Las Vegas Casinos used to sell cigarettes in the 1970s. First of all, I had to get a ride to this towering monstrosity, then it took me several hours just to find three hundred-dollar bills smooth enough for the machine to accept. To top it all off, the machine only gives you back quarters when you press the button to get your money back, so now I also have 800 quarters that I’m stuck carrying around.
Once I got the machine to take my money, my newly purchased Geo got hung up on one of those coils they use to keep these vehicles in place, and now the only way I can get my car is either by finding the world’s largest coat hanger or if I raise enough money to buy a used 2016 Nissan Versa behind it to knock it loose.
Listen, I’m on a fixed budget and had only planned on spending three hundred on a car. Plus, I’m going to have to spend a little extra to get the “Honk For Anime Tiddies” bumper sticker removed. So if you want to help me buy two cars, I’d really appreciate it. And yes, I DO need the full amount for the Versa. I’m not fucking slipping all those quarters in one by one for a used car.
Photo Credit: Brandon Puff
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