Our friend Tom is in dire need of financial support. He has no health insurance after he recently lost his job responding, “what?” when his boss mumbled, “firedguysayswhat” at a performance review, leaving him unable to pay the medical bills stemming from a series of sick burns he suffered at an impromptu birthday party roast.
Truth be told, the damage wouldn’t have been nearly as bad if his hobbit-sized fish stick fingers could’ve worked the fire extinguisher. After I mentioned the conventional wisdom linking hand and penis size, he lit up like a trash can in a Rocky movie. The burns became so severely sick that we were forced to call 911.
The paramedics declared him medically “a total loser” at the scene. They asked us if they should even bother resuscitating him, but we gave the go-ahead because he owes us all money. The sum of this debt is reflected in our campaign goal.
We know that Tom will have a hard time paying this bill on his own because he’s broke as fuck—a fact that we continually brought up to him while we rode in the ambulance. The untenable amount of the bill is due in large part to the doctors citing the Hippocratic Oath in electing to perform facial reconstruction surgery on Tom. They assured us that society will be better off never having to see his busted mug again.
The recovery process from getting absolutely destroyed by our witticisms will take years, but with our help, Tom will learn to live with the scars of these legendary disses. We’re all wishing Tom the best and hoping that he’ll make it through this flaming wreckage and develop a real personality for once.