In all honesty, I have no idea how bad this could get. I haven’t seen my boyfriend for five hours, ever since he came home and told me that he got a “dope deal” on an ATV. Can you believe the deal was, “buy an ATV, get a free case of Monster Energy?” So I’m just worried that this new antic of his might get a little out of hand. It could be like that time Kyle heard “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit for the first time and decided to start a backyard wrestling league with our neighbor Hunter, or it could be more like a typical Saturday night where he knocks down a Four-Loco and punches a hole in the wall.
Now we’ve been through a lot together, including staggering amounts of drywall repair and stitches, but with the added risk of an ATV and the paralyzing caffeine content of Monster Energy, I’m just a little worried that Kyle won’t survive this one. He mentioned something about trying to joust Hunter on his ATV with some metal poles he found in a dumpster behind Applebee’s. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but there’s a good chance that funeral costs would be less expensive than whatever medical bills he manages to rack up.
I’m still not sure why he won’t just buy health insurance. The man spends $1000 a month on Axe body spray, vape juice, and tickets to UFC fights, so you’d think there would be some wiggle room in the budget for his health and well-being. So I’m trying to raise $50,000 for possible medical expenses or funeral arrangements, whichever comes first. Again, I have no idea what might happen. In whatever case, this money will go a long way. If we raise more money than we need, I’ll donate the rest to TuffKid: a charity that provides Tapout T-shirts and Five Finger Death Punch albums to kids in need.
UPDATES:
July 10th 12:30 PM: Wow! Thanks for the support everyone! Kyle just called me from a payphone in Birmingham, Alabama. Apparently he rode his ATV twelve miles down the highway and ended up getting a tattoo on his lower back that says, “THERE’S A MONSTER INSIDE ALL OF US.” Apparently Hunter dared him to get it. I hope that it doesn’t get worse…
July 11th 3:44 PM: Okay yeah, so I just got a call from a hospital in Alabama that told me Kyle has been admitted with several broken ribs, a serious concussion, a nasty infection around his tattooed area, and a case of COVID-19. Kyle’s convinced that face masks are government mind-control propaganda and hasn’t worn one in the past three months, so this isn’t that surprising.
July 13th 10:27 PM: Kyle is on his way home. After two nights in the hospital, he was released to find that he left his ATV in the middle of the highway and it was impounded. He is now taking an Uber home and facing several charges with the Birmingham police department. No one has heard from Hunter in three days.
July 15th 11:16 AM: Kyle is home and we are breaking up. I’ve witnessed hundreds of red flags, but somehow that tattoo was just too much to handle. He’s moving out tomorrow, which should be an easy job because the only things he owns in our house are a mini-fridge and several Papa Roach posters. His medical bills wound up being $50,000 exactly. How convenient! On a sadder note, Hunter was confirmed dead last night. His body was found in a dumpster behind the Birmingham Applebee’s with the remaining cans of Monster Energy.