We all grew up hearing the myth about how Mountain Dew shrinks your sperm. Well let me tell you something: I’ve been doing the Dew every day since 1998 and the doctors assure me my sperm are as big and numerous as any other Americans. The news was devastating, and I knew that this revelation would be a huge disappointment to Mountain Dew drinkers everywhere.
That’s why I’m creating Mellow Fizz, the first and only soda to successfully make you sterile. Don’t like contraceptives? Do vasectomies fail to quench your thirst? This will be the ultimate prophylactic TO THE EXTREME! Chug this gamer fuel when you’re planning a big night of unprotected sex and Halo!
Since my twelfth paternity suit, I’ve been extensively studying chemistry so that I can show Mountain Dew how you truly make a beverage of utmost infertility. It was grueling work, but the years of experimenting finally paid off as I’ve successfully concocted the most radical, sperm-reducing soda to ever grace your tastebuds! I drank only a few of these and it gave my testicles the most excellent cell fry, bro. So don’t wait up!
This won’t be cheap. If we want to bring this drink to the people, we will be needing funds for the bottling, ingredients, and bribes to pass through FDA red tape.
Not suitable for children. Turbocharge your scrotum TO THE MAX!