If you haven’t heard the news, they’re trying to make Washington DC a state, which would give us fifty-one states. That means a whole new flag design, a whole new capital to learn, and probably a new one of those quarters to collect. Frankly, it all just sounds like a pain in the ass, so I’m here to propose we just get rid of a state to keep it at a nice even fifty. Sure, you’re probably thinking we should just turn North Carolina and South Carolina into one Super Carolina, but I have a better idea: let’s wipe out New Jersey. I mean just obliterate the damn place.
Think about everything that’s come out of New Jersey—Chris Christie, the cast of Jersey Shore, shitty comedians, those accents, all that pollution. Not to mention Bon Jovi and the Jersey Devil. A literal devil is from Jersey! That’s all the reason needed to get rid of that god-forsaken region if you ask me.
Maybe you’re worried about all the good stuff the so-called Garden State has to offer, but I have it all worked out. The only exports worth saving from New Jersey are Bruce Springsteen and Zach Braff. That’s it. We can keep them comfortable in a sanctuary carefully crafted to make them feel at home—one that’s full of smog and traffic where they’ll be fed the worst pizza by handlers who are trained to ask if they remember the way the boardwalk used to be.
So the last question to answer here is what do we do with the crater where New Jersey once stood? I don’t even care. Once it’s been decontaminated and deemed habitable again by a hazmat crew they can do whatever they want with it. Build an EPCOT. Put a Spirit Halloween store there. Anything that’s not Jersey.
This is a project that’s very dear to my heart, and I imagine most of the country feels the same way. So donate today if you want to wipe the armpit of America straight off the map! Any excess donations will be allocated to a fund to annihilate Florida in case Puerto Rico becomes a state too.