If the events that have transpired over the pandemic have taught us two things, it’s that the lack of face-to-face interactions with other people can be detrimental to your mental health and that the stock market is bullshit.
These two truths have been circulating through my head over the past few months while I sit alone in my darkened studio apartment. My only thought during this time was, “how can I eliminate my loneliness while simultaneously sticking it to the banks AND being responsibly safe during a pandemic?” That’s when it hit me: a strip club where the strippers dance for crypto.
Everyone wins in this scenario! If you were a dancer, would you want some crusty dude putting a dirty $20 in your g-string or would you want to receive a virtual currency that would only increase in value? And it WILL increase in value because we’ll only be dealing in Bitcoin. The seedier clubs can settle for Dogecoin. Regardless, every transaction will be contact free!
The initial implementation of this will probably be complicated, I’ll admit. For instance, how does one shower a stripper with Bitcoin, and what exactly is the cryptocurrency to lap dance length ratio? These are questions I’m currently looking to get answers to from experts in both industries. For the time being, just know that you’re getting in on the ground floor of a new sexy fun time experience.
Every little Bitcoin helps. We’re going to need a lot of virtual cheddar for the amount of GTX 3080’s needed to process payments, so I hope you all can scrounge up any stray crypto that you have lying around somewhere. Let’s make the future of stripping happen!
UPDATES:
March 4th 5:39 PM: Guys, this is unbelievable! A single Bitcoin in just one day! We’ll hit our goal in no time. Side note: if you need to contact me, please do so solely through this campaign. Apparently asking women on Instagram if they want to strip in front of strangers for intangible money gets you banned from all social media and labeled a sex predator.
March 11th 2:02 PM: The outpouring of support has been incredible so far, but we’ve hit some snags. It seems as though Bitcoin isn’t yet an acceptable form of payment for construction companies and exotic dancers. We’ll work that out in the coming weeks, you just keep those donations coming!
March 18th 9:05 AM: Do these people not see that cryptocurrency is the future? .10 of a bitcoin is three months rent! Also, being that we’re still in a pandemic the only way to do this safely is if our strippers pole dance in another room and stream it via Zoom, so we’re earmarking money for a few dozen iPads. Nothing to worry about though. It’ll still be fun and NOT a glorified OnlyFans like my mom says.
March 25th 3:49 PM: We’re almost there! Fun fact: did you know a liquor license in Kentucky is like $1,800? That’s less than .0316 bitcoin! It’s practically a steal! Naturally we’re being stonewalled by red tape again because the beuracrats in our state capital have told us that Bitcoin isn’t “real money”. But I’m sure we can grease some palms with free iPad lap dances, I hope.
March 31st 10:46 AM: We crushed our goal!! Well, technically we did. Three day ago, a single Bitcoin was worth $59k each, but the market finally crashed so currently we only managed to fundraise $1000. But don’t panic. If we sit on this for a few months, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of money for our hardworking strippers.