Let’s buy out Rob Gronkowski’s contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and release him back into the wild where majestic beasts of his ilk belong. Gronk should not be confined by an NFL contract; he should be free to run through open fields instead of 100 yards at a time, or worse, forced out of bounds short of the first down marker. The NFL is not a place for an endangered species like Gronk, who has to live in constant fear of headhunting safeties.
I dream of releasing Gronk back into his native land of upstate New York where he can drink from the protein shake springs and spike footballs into Canada. Your donation can reunite the future Hall of Famer with a habitat where he can simply communicate in grunts, groans, and “Yo Soy Fiesta’s.”
Additional expenses will be expected to make Gronk’s transition easier. We will of course be tagging Gronk to track his movement during mating season but mostly to make sure he doesn’t try to fly south for spring break. Speaking of which, industry experts suggested Gronk be neutered to control the wildlife population, but I’ve opted to send him with 10 cases of Trojan Bareskin for the same purpose. Lastly, it will take upwards of 1,500 milligrams of CBD a day to substitute for the major back surgery and multiple knee surgeries he needs to fully function in the wild.
Thank you for your time, and we urge you to donate as soon as possible. We’ve seen the USAA commercials. If they don’t make Gronk a member soon, he may do something drastic.