Here at Biffy’s Auto Parts, we’re dedicated to giving our customers the high-quality car accessories that they need. So when calls and emails started coming in for more nipple-friendly jumper cable clamps, we immediately got to work. Our blueprints are ready to go, but in order to get them to your sex dungeon/drug mansion/government black site, we’re going to need a good $100,000 to cover manufacturing, distribution, and legal costs.
If we’re being honest, these requests caught us a little off guard, but we understand that we’re living in an adaptable world. Our old jumper cable design needs to be reimagined. Plus, who are we to judge if a sexual partner or someone your military psy-ops unit is holding captive is in need of some good ol’ nipple shockin’?
Our newly patented jumper cable clamps are made from a premium material that enhances comfort around the tenders while still maintaining our signature Biffy’s Auto Parts grip. No more of that pesky chafing and scratching to distract you from whatever depraved act you’re partaking in. And they last twice as long too! So as long as you have a full car battery and a pulse, you’re good to go!
Help us reach our $100,000 goal and we’ll guarantee these babies will be on our store shelves before Christmas. If we reach $125,000, each jumper cable package will come with two spare sets of our premium comfort clamps. This was our most requested feature. We don’t know how you all managed to wear out our high-grade metal clamps, but somehow you did! Donations of any size will receive a personalized thank you note from us as well as an exclusive spot on an FBI watch list.
So whether you’re a criminal organization collecting punishing squealers, a military junta interrogating resistance leader,s or just a pervert on the go who enjoys a good electrocution, you can count on Biffy’s Auto Parts nipple-friendly jumper cable clamps to get the job done!