I am a Wheel of Fortune master, even if my current $0 total score might imply otherwise. Lesser contestants would have given up by now, but I’ve hidden an ace up my sleeve for just such an occasion. Nowhere in the Wheel of Fortune rulebook does it say that you can’t start an online fundraiser to help you get more money, so here I am. But if you’re going to donate, do it fast because it’s my turn to solve the puzzle and I need to buy a vowel.
Pat Sajak is yelling at me right now to get off my phone, but honestly this guy has had it in for me ever since the beginning of the game. It started when he got all flustered because I kept calling the show “Jeopardy.” Well excuse me if I mix up two game shows that both feature three sad white people trying to earn small amounts of money by answering diminutive questions from behind a podium. I told him that I’d separate the shows by remembering that Alex Trebek is astronomically more fuckable.
It doesn’t help that Sheila right next to me has $15,000 and a trip to Boca Raton. Sheila’s so full of herself. At the beginning of the show she wouldn’t stop talking about how she’s a nurse who volunteers at a soup kitchen on the weekends. Everyone clapped. No one clapped for me when I said that I could do a kickflip.
Buying a vowel costs $250, but if my campaign reaches $500 I will tell Pat Sajak that he looks like the spray-tanned scrotum of a hairless, cocaine addicted Ewok. Anything above $500 will be invested in a new game show that doesn’t suck ass. I’d also like to reiterate that time isn’t on my side here. Sajak just called security and Vanna White just pulled out a taser.