Lads, I need a wee bit of help here. I came to Kansas City last month and met this lovely lass Jennie through me cousin. We hit it off and went out for a beauty of a date the American way: dinner at Red Lobster. However, things went downhill from there and now here I am needing money for Uber back to Kansas City.
Once the date was over, Jennie said she was going back to Chicago the next day. Listen lads, I haven’t felt this way about an American lass since Britney Spears circa 2002, so I opened Google Maps and decided to take our 3-hour-old relationship up a notch. I told her I was gonna walk 500 miles to her place. She thought I was cracking a joke, but at that moment, I was already picturing meself being the man who wakes up next to her.
After marching for two weeks, only surviving on the wicked fantasy of passing every penny of me work on to her, I finally found her house. She was surprised and told me to “fuck off,” which is Scottish vernacular for “I adore and care for you.” Moments later, her dad came out and I, being the gentleman I am, explained to him how I walked from Kansas City on foot to meet and haver with her daughter, and his reaction was, “Get the fuck off my house”, which I mistakenly interpreted as “Welcome to our residence, laddie”. I realized that’s not the case right after he pointed a gun at me. Cultural difference is always tricky, innit?
So now I’m stranded in this cold, shite city with no place to stay. I don’t have any more cash on me, and me credit card is maxed out from all the Icy Hot I bought to prevent me loins from blowing out.
Even if I manage to get the funds I need, please consider donating more as I will try visiting her again next week once I finish popping these bloody blisters. Surely she would reconsider a man who walks a THOUSAND miles just to roll and fall down at her fackin’ front door.