Sometimes good people get behind on their taxes and that’s okay. It doesn’t make them bad people. Think about Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes—great dudes, right? Well just like these great Americans, I too am having some tax issues and apparently the IRS doesn’t care if you’re a good person or horribly sick. Now due to unpaid back taxes the IRS is saying that I owe them two kidneys.
My health hasn’t always been very good. I mean I suppose it’s the fault of my ancestors committing some sin against God resulting in me being born with hemochromatosis and polycystic kidney disease. Well apparently after getting a liver transplant to deal with my first problem, the donor listed their donated liver as a prize similar to game show winnings which means I owed taxes on it. It’s like when Oprah gave all of those cars away and listed them as prizes. Except the prize for me was a hefty tax burden.
Now that I need a kidney transplant, they have decided to garnish my organs! I hardly think I can be held accountable, though, for thinking that the initial collection letters from the IRS were fake. I mean, receiving a letter saying that my liver could get repossessed unless I send money somewhere sounds like a super lazy fraud scheme, right?
This IRS has made it very clear, however, that failure to settle these debts will lead to me having to pay “back organs”. The IRS agent mentioned how nice my corneas are and I’m worried that poindexter wants them for themself. I offered to donate blood or plasma but they said that at this rate I’d have to donate 14 pints per visit for 20 years to settle my debts. My intestines grumbled with nervous energy upon hearing this and they informed me that someone with IBS would be happy to have a colon as good as mine. I’ve seen Braveheart, please don’t let them take my guts out.
If I don’t raise the money I might be forced to move to a country with a better healthcare system. This might be very difficult because the IRS said that they might take my feet as well. Time is of the essence! Please give!