Much like all of the men who crawl into my DMs, if I see a tiny bug in my room, I usually just ignore it. But right now I’m freaking out because there’s this huge, hairy, black spider with long legs just hovering above my bed. Ew! I just noticed there’s a fly trapped in there! What if it crawls down while I’m asleep and goes into my mouth? I usually am a strong, independent woman who can handle her own shit, but right now, I need any sort of man to squish this unholy creature for me or I swear that I’m going to die tonight.
I literally CANNOT deal with the squishy sound when you kill a bug. Also, what if it doesn’t die and then disappears with a vendetta against me? Ah! It freaks me out just thinking about it. If you agree to be my boyfriend and kill this disgusting spider, I’ll listen to your mixtape or make you breakfast or some shit (no, you can’t sleep over). And if you also fix my leaking sink, I’ll let you send me unsolicited dick pics for an entire week.
I’m so desperate to get this spider out of my room that I’m willing to break my “no dating for at least a year” rule. I’ve been focusing on myself and building my career—I even started doing fucking yoga, for Christ’s sake—but I’m ready to forget about all that and get caught up in another four to five month thing with someone that I’ll be convinced is the one despite warnings from my friends if they’re just good at spider removal. Please hurry—I have a doctor’s appointment at eight a.m. and I can’t fall asleep with this menace lingering in the corner.
Once you donate yourself to this cause, I’ll DM you the address. After the bug has been exterminated, we can talk about future boyfriend arrangements. Who knows? Maybe we’ll fall in love or something and I’ll let you kill bugs for me forever.
UPDATES:
August 21st 11:15 PM: Okay, so the first guy who reached out to me was named Ricky. He DM’d me a picture of his wife beater pulled up to show off his abs. He had a gold chain around his neck and there was an Italian flag on the wall behind him so I had my doubts, but he assured me that he has a lot of experience killing spiders (and eating pussy, apparently). He’s on his way over now. The problem is, I can’t find the spider…
August 22nd 12:26 AM: Ricky arrived a few minutes ago. He brought over a box of chocolates which was nice, I guess, even though they’re all caramel and coconut and I hate both caramel AND coconut. He’s in my room now looking for this gross thing, and I’m standing in the doorway. He keeps asking me shit like, “why’d your last relationship end”, “what’s your horoscope sign”, “are you a dog or a cat person?” Please save me.
August 22nd 1:23 AM: He killed the spider and then asked if I wanted to watch a movie. He drove, like, an hour to get here, so I said yeah. Now we’re watching Jurassic Park. He’s pretty cute and nice, actually, but I don’t think that this is a love connection. We ordered a pizza so I’m stuck with him for at least until the end of the movie. Oh shit, he just went to “check if he had money” and “accidentally” dropped a condom on the ground. It’s been a while since I had sex, so maybe. But we are DEFINITELY not going to get breakfast tomorrow! Although, we did find out that we both share a love for waffles. No, no. I need to snap out of this now that the spider is gone. Thanks for sharing!