As some of you may have seen on Facebook, I recently lost my home due to a freak boat propeller accident last week. I’m still assessing the damage, but it’s highly likely my old shell, which has been my home for all of my adult life, is unsalvageable. 

I’ve been looking for a new place to crash while I’m between shelters, but this market has made finding a place untenable. Have you seen the going rate for shells lately? Nearly everything is being snatched up for either shitty necklaces or wall art that ends up in some landlocked asshole’s rec room. 

And that’s not to say that I haven’t been looking on my own, but anything that I have found in the decent neighborhoods of the reef is either something that will need foundation work down the road or it’s some fixer-upper that a hoarder mollusk died in.

I’m basically going to need around $150K just to find something close to a starter shell. Nothing fancy, but something with enough room to molt my exoskeleton two or three times. I’m not a begging crustacean, but if you could see it in your hearts to help me procure a new home, it would mean the world and my literal survival.

UPDATES:

January 14th 10:06 AM: Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough in my explanation: I AM LITERALLY NAKED AND NEED HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Adjusting has been tough, but I figure that as long as I don’t leave the water and eat whatever plankton floats into my tiny peripheral vision, I can hold out for a bit. The best food is up on the shoreline, but I sure would like to not be sniped by a passing seagull and die with my crab genitals hanging out.

January 20th 11:15 AM: So I’ve been getting a lot of DMs saying that the soda bottles, Solo cups, and Chef Boyardee cans on the market would be less expensive and more in my price range given the small amount I’ve raised so far. I don’t want to sound unappreciative, but that’s not exactly the aesthetic I’m going for, you feel me? I’m more of a “dissolved calcium and bicarbonate” kind of guy. Also, walking around in a piece of literal garbage with a giant “Cola-Cola” on my back goes against my anti-corporate values.

January 31st 2:35 PM:  Oh man, I did not expect this campaign to blow up like this: apparently Shamu’s grandson saw it on Reddit and donated enough to put me over the goal already! I can afford purple pincher shells! Or whale eyes! Hell, I could probably splurge for a damn conch shell. But that choice might be a stretch, considering I’ve skipped leg day my entire life. But I have to say, there’s this beautiful turbo shell in the Barrier Reef that I’ve had my eye on. Not only does it look cool and has enough compartments for all of my stuff, but it fits my ass like a glove. I cannot thank you all enough for putting a roof over my claws!