I have to be upfront with you guys: I am in some deep trouble, and I need serious help.
I got mixed up with some bad kids. You see, I bet this girl in second grade a hundred dollars that she couldn’t do some goofy Tik Tok dance. When she managed to do it, I hit her with the old, “I said one-hundred doll hairs!” Only, here’s the thing: she is insisting that I give her the hundred doll hairs.
This girl is no ordinary child. She is mean, violent, and posse’d the fuck up. I found out the hard way after a week went by and she and two of her friends showed up at my house. One of them held my wife at Nerf-point while another strangled me with a jump rope. “You’ve got one more week,” she said, looking straight into my eyes. “I want my goddamn doll hairs.”
Where the hell am I supposed to get one hundred doll hairs anyway? I’ve checked online and at every store in town, there isn’t a place you can find just the hairs. They’ll only sell you the whole doll. And I’m not mutilating some poor Barbie just to pay a debt. I may be desperate, but I’m not a monster.
I’ve never reached out for help on the internet like this, but I don’t know where else to turn. My family and I are in danger, and I need a hundred doll hairs next week, or I’m a dead man.