I accidentally left my thirteen-year-old iguana, Marley, out of his cage overnight and he swallowed a coin on my desk and possibly my guitar pick unless I just lost it but I dunno. I get that you have other shit to pay for but my iguana is probably gonna die, so you should care. He’s a living, breathing, cold-blooded reptile. Have a heart.
I Googled it and found out that the surgery to remove the coin and who knows what the fuck else from Marley’s stomach is gonna cost around $5,000. That’s a lot of money, but I’m sure that you, a complete stranger, have enough change lying around to give to the two of us no prob.
I’ve had Marley since I was twelve years old. He’s been there for me through everything—after I broke up with my eighth grade girlfriend, when I smoked weed for the first time (I generously blew some into his ear too), and even when I lost my virginity. If he died it would be a bummer.
So I’m hoping that you can contribute a decent chunk from your wallet to help Marley out. You’ve never met him, but if you did, I’m sure he’d be chill and not try to bite you. It also looks cool when I take pictures of him on my shoulder, so if you donate, I’ll send you some photos of us as a reward tier or whatever.