Hey there, buddy. Can I say buddy? I never know what you Millenials find acceptable these days, haha! Or are you Gen Z? Well, whatever, either way I know that your generation really values fun bosses which is why I told you that we’d get lunch.
I think what must not have been totally clear though is that when I said I’d “get your food” what I meant was I’d “tell the waiter your order without actually consulting you first”, because I know what’s best on the menu. Also, I’m aware that as your boss I make approximately 87 times what you make—and again, I know exactly what you make, because I’m the one who dictates your salary and who personally chooses to keep you hovering near the poverty line—but it’d be really awesome if you could pay back for your order that I ordered for you. As I made clear in our all-staff meeting on Thursday, miscommunication is everybody’s fault. Except mine.
And I know I said I’d “pick up the check” but what I meant was I personally wanted to leave a massive tip, because I pride myself on tipping nearly 100 percent. I make sure to be an extremely generous tipper whenever that cute waitress walks by—but it seems like someone covered her shift today, so we may as well split it, right? You’re not seriously going to ask me to cover an entire $50 tip on these Kobe beef and lobster fajita platters I ordered for us? Even without the tip, that’s the most expensive dish they serve here! It’d be nuts to have me cover the whole thing!
Also, this is neither here nor there, but you know how you sprained your wrist trying to catch yourself when I pulled the chair out from under you as you sat down as a fun prank, but yeah, HR will not be covering that. Technically, the injury occured not during work hours but during your lunch break which you wouldn’t have taken if I hadn’t demanded it.
Oh, and I would love it if you’d cover that extra order of gold-infused sour cream you spilled, though. It really affected my fajita’s mouthfeel, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself by asking for more. Honestly, you should have requested more for me. If you want to keep working here, you need to take some responsibility every once in a while.