With the acquisition of Harry Styles, the fourth and final One Direction member, my destiny is complete. I now have the whole collection; Niall, Liam, and Louis are finally within my clutches. Newfound awareness and power surges through my body. I will never feel empty again. Still, despite having achieved the greatest victory, dissatisfaction gnaws at my soul. Perhaps it is my compassion. The One Direction members are human, after all; they only appear to be Gods.
I confess, my basement is currently unfinished and I worry that they can’t possibly be comfortable down there. Water of dubious quality drips from the rusted pipes that run across my beautiful boys’ ceiling. The only extra couch I have right now is too wide to fit through the doorway into my basement. By channeling the magical energy produced by the coincidence of my captives, I’m able to look roughly one thousand years into the future, to float above the floor, and to unleash incredibly powerful laser beams from my stomach. I’ve yet to be able to shrink my extra couch.
Also, the walls in our basement could use a new coat of paint, and when I was picking each of the guys up from their houses and gagging them, none of them remembered to stop me and ask if they could bring their Nintendo Switches, so they’re getting kind of bored down there with nothing to do. I can’t go back to their houses to get their Switches for them—you understand. We’re going to need to order some new ones on Amazon, and they aren’t cheap. If they had Switches to play, surely they would stop with their terrible screaming.
Actually, we’re going to need to put heavy sound-proofing down there too. Just for the music they’ll want to record, I mean. We could really use you to send us ANY money you have to spare; the conditions that the One Direction are living in right now are certainly hazardous to human health, and I can’t believe I’ve locked these beautiful creatures in a room with NO accent wall.
PLEASE donate to help our new family out.